Fight the powers that be(an)!

Is this a blog entry by someone with too much time on their hands, whipped into a frenzy by the very caffeine they're concerned with the delivery of?  Am I being naive and for too long beholden to a faceless corporation, as almost everyone I can think of here in coffee mecca Portland will tell me I am?

Yes.  Well, except for the "too much time" thing.  Try being a stay-at-home parent.  It makes one rant like this during naptime about things other than toys, and babies, and doggies.  Indeed, another part of my frenzy is trying to rush this out before the kid wakes up.

So, a certain coffee empire ruled by a two-tailed mermaid is currently offering up a promotion we'll call "The Moon Shot."  Essentially, you make X number of qualifying purchases, and you get Y "shots" to get free merchandise out of them.

I like free stuff.  Who doesn't?

Being a large corporation, it's one of the ways they've kept me loyal, even though there are more coffee shops struggling in our coffee snob town than you can swing a grounds-filled filter holder at.

So I signed up.  Whee!  I'm on the gravy train to spend money on jitter-making gravy to… get more jitter-making gravy for free.  It's how they getcha, and I guess by contrast to drug dealers, subsequent hits are free?

Whatever, lots of coffee shops have loyalty punch cards.  I'm not calling anyone out.

Yet.

So the day after I sign up, my wife gets a similar email inviting her to join "The Moon Shot."  Only, the numbers are a bit different.  If she makes (get this) less than half of X worth of qualifying purchases, she still gets Y "shots."

It should be noted, that my wife doesn't make nearly the purchases I do, at this place.

So I try to sign up for hers.  No dice.  Their website excitedly tells me that I'm (still) signed up for mine.  Whatever.  I'm on the gravy train, why leap off it for the gravy rocket?

And this, also, is how they getcha.  You're getting something of promotional value out of having agreed to their terms and joined their little "Moon Shot."  So shut up and enjoy it.  Yet, why do others get more out of the same agreement?  Indeed, isn't a rocket to the moon more useful than a train?

OK, enough with developing new euphemisms.  I don't want to get into equating gravy with green cheese…

Anyway, so I think on it.  She finally convinces me to contact their customer service to ask them what gives.  Their response?  I heavily paraphrase (and shorten… who knew I could do such a thing?):

"Sorry for any confusion about our Moon Shot promotion.  We offered you your rate of reward, because you come in so often.  We offer faster rewards to the customer we see less often, to interest them in coming in.  Thanks for your interest in our products, and do not hesitate to get in contact with us, if you have any future questions."

Oh, I did have some questions.  I paraphrase (in part) below, this time simply to "protect the innocent."  At least, that's how the saying goes…

I […] believe [your company] has made a strategic mistake, by allowing customers who use their accounts less, to earn more in [Moon Shots] than loyal customers. I understand that you're a business, and you need to get people in the door to make money. I would urge those who make your promotional marketing decisions, not to make your loyal customers work at a promotional disadvantage as compared to those you're trying to woo with said promotions. I need to make more than twice as many qualifying purchases as my wife does, to earn the same promotional reward. I understand that's by design, but it doesn't make it right.

A [Moon Shot] promotion that equitably rewards customers across the board would be far more compelling towards keeping your loyal customers, who are the very foundation of your repeat business and your success over the years. 

As it is, I'll need to reconsider in light of this non-equitable treatment of customers by your [Moon Shot] promotions, exactly how loyal a […] customer I am [of your company]. If I get more out of your promotions if I make fewer qualifying purchases, by golly, maybe I should show up less often to make those purchases. Maybe instead, I should show more loyalty to my local, non-incorporated coffee shops who are struggling to stay in business next to such successful but unfair marketers. 

It seems I have a lot to consider, wouldn't you agree?

I'm not sure how (or whether) they'll respond.  I am after all, the crackpot they caffeinated, who in return is trying to teach their marketing team a few things by email and via their customer service lackey.

That said, I'm impressed that they got back to my original concern in less than a day, and on a weekend, no less.  And I should say, among large corporations, I generally like them pretty well: they treat their workers well (I hear, though not directly from the workers on the premises during work hours) with good benefits packages, and they at least try to promote that they're into fair trade practices with regard to how they get their sweet, sweet nectar/gravy/green cheese itself.  And besides that, I don't just want to be the squeaky wheel; I want their marketing team to seriously reconsider how they run their promotions.  Anything less wouldn't be very equitable of me.

But to so cavalierly be told, "Oh yeah: you pay the bills, so you're not eligible to be sweet-talked (as much) anymore.  We gotta get out there and make some new mon-ay!!!" feels a bit like being told to get back in the kitchen and make them one of their yummy artisanal (and yet always exactly the same) breakfast sandwiches, while they visit the cute new neighbor for some, uh, sugar.

Okay, you may now tell me that I should have been going to local coffee shops all along, and that I, single-handedly, am the reason that local coffee culture is failing. Go!